Every cult and religion has its philosophers, so we hired one for minimum wage. This section is made up of his views and his alone. Except maybe for mine. No, no. Definitely his views. This page is only his views. Except this paragraph. This paragraph is canon law. Therefore, I hereby decree this page to be our minimum-wage earning philisophical monkey's obscure ravings, and one medium sized paragraph of canon law.
-BS

Verse One: God's Own Flaky Hardware

by Enrique, the primate philosophe

Sure, God is infallible, but those crazy creations of his are always going on the fritz. What does God do to fix his flaky hardware problems?

• Add a prehensile tail
  
• Double up on an organ
  
• Add water
  
• Add to water
  
• Make poisonous
  
• Make immune to poison
  
• Put hair on it
  
• Increase drive to procreate
  
• Remove and protect useful components, destroy remaining hardware by water, rebuild hardware, insert removed components, promise components the procedure won't be repeated.
  
• Talk to it
  
• Stop talking to it
  
• Talk to only one component, and tell that component to warn the other hardware
  
• Name a favorite component, and destroy all components that take CPU time away from favorite.
  
• Allow it to turn into a snake (this never helps)
  
• Banish it
  
• Remove its arms and legs
  
• Turn it into a pillar of salt
  
• Pour water on it for fourty days and fourty nights
  
• Disallow water for fourty days and fourty nights
  
• Rain sulphur on it
  
• Put frogs on it (plagues are how you can tell God has a sense of humor)
  
• Make the female more attractive (humans)
  
• Make the male more attractive (birds)
  
• Make both male and female incredibly unattractive (sloths, spiders, gila monster)
  
• Make clean;make install;make extinct
  
• Grant opposable thumbs
  
• Run prophecy programs on one of its components
  
• Give it dominion over all other hardware
  
• Grant ability to change colors ("Can't do plaaaaaid!")
  
• Enslave flaky component temporarily.
  
• Demand hardware designated as "master" release hardware designated as "slave."
  
• Grant intelligence
  
• Cause deafness
• And finally, three words: "Smite, Smite, Smite!"

  Thanking you for reading my first musing. Please be tipping generously.
  -monkey