Every cult and religion has its philosophers, so we hired some monkey for minimum wage.
-BS

Previous Verses
Verse One: God's Own Flaky Hardware

Verse Two: Borgvana!™

by Enrique, the primate philosophe

"Whenst thou winneth thine prize, thou shalt haveth achieved Borgvana!™"-CcLeader

Borgvana!™ is a higher place, a calmer place, a trademarked place. It is where I wish to go when I am no more. When you are in Borgvana!™ you are your hardware. When I ascend to Borgvana!™ (which has nothing to do with bologna (although I like bologna too (in fact, I would like some bologna now (they never feed me (I'm so hungry (where was I?))))))... When I actually become my hardware, I will bear a few things in mind.

When I become hardware...

• I will not flake.
• When someone turns me on, I will indicate that I am on.
• When someone turns me off, I will cease to indicate that I am on.
• When someone requests that I perform my designated functions, I will do so and not sit smugly and do nothing with my on-indicator glaring into his soul like the Eye of Sauron.
• I will not prefer more intelligent users.
• I will not prefer less intelligent users.
• When more intelligent users wish to show off in front of less intelligent users, I will damn well perform my designated function right the hell away.
• I will eat what is fed me and spit out what is requested from me.
• I will not spit out what is fed me and eat what is requested from me.
• Rewind will not mean move slowly forward.
• Stop will not mean pause momentarily before continuing.
• No part of me will blink for any reason.
• I will not stop the hideous beating of the old man's heart.
• No part of me will resemble a drink holder except perhaps my drink holder.
• I will not turn into a snake (this never helps).
• Nothing on my person will require jiggling before it performs its desired function.
• Turning me off and on will merely toggle my indicator. It will not annoy me into dysfunction, nor will it cajole me into more efficient function.
• I will never allow any phrase beginning with "all your base" pass through any part of me.
• My digital output will not be analog.
• My analog output will not be digital.
• I will not develop a taste for human blood.
• I will not collect dust like an overenthusiastic hobbyist with unlimited resources.
• I will not be interesting enough in and of myself to waste the time of users who are better off doing something else.
• I will not flake.

• I will not flake.
• I will not flake.

I have stealing these jokes. I am having been bad primate philosophe.
-monkey