Chapter 2: The Flakiness of Artoo Detoo by Bombastic Stan and the Pedro Picasso

Previous Chapters
Chapter 1: You Might Have Flaky Hardware

Everyone's favorite piece of hardware is of course R2-D2. Still, like the millenium falcon, our little friend is flakier than a street leper with dandruff. This of course leads us to ask,"Is the Force just a flaky hardware superstition?"
-BS

My comments italicized.
-the Pedro Picasso

1. Hangs out with loser protocol droids.
2. Often unevenly heats my Hot Pockets™.
   You know, burnt on the outside, frozen on the inside. I hate that.
3. Unexpectedly explodes when shot with a turbo laser.
4. Has a tendency to wander unguarded into the desert.
5. Has a speech impediment.
   We're not kidding. He's trying to speak English.
6. Won't run Quake III higher than 640x480.
7. Withholds and garbles messages from princesses.
8. Shoots lightsabers from the head.
   Sure this is funny at parties, but he does it all the time now. It's not a joke, it's a disability.
9. Often sticks I/O plug in a port that doesn't want it.
10. Secretly lusts after Jawas.
11. Attacks Ewoks at random.
    Hey, that's a feature.
12. Has a name like "Artoo."
13. Uses same sequence of beeps to communicate both "I'm happy" and "The princess is going to die if you don't move your metal-plated ass, you whiney boot-licking pansy."
    See speech impediment and loser protocol droids.
14. Thinks of restraining bolts as kinky bondage and not as the strange, movement impeding robo-nipples they are.
15. Copies over Death Star plans with pornography.
16. Lets the wookie win.
17. Spills Jabba's drinks.
18. Is a whore.
    What like you didn't hear 3PO say,"Buy that one, Luke. He's very good. Trust me, I know."
19. Contains a cramped midget.
20. Always seems to draw enemy fire.
21. Headbutts other astromech droids.
    You just wanted to use the word astromech.
22. Tries to fix complex space craft with what seems to be a 1/2 inch finger.
23. Can't close that creepy single eye.
24. Has a third leg, but it's sold separately.
    Remember that droid repair shop playset? That thing rocked!
25. Pushes whiney bastards off hoverships in the desert...without killing them.
    It was almost a feature.
26. Sprays type "A" extinguisher fluid on electrical fires.
27. Smokes crack. ...though I'm not sure how.
28. Is androgenous like "Pat."
    Pat always makes it onto these lists.
29. Is inorganic, but still hits on the princess.

Special thanks to Pepper Jobe for the idea.