Chapter 3: Six Stages of Dealing with Flaky Hardware by Mistress of Mechanical Mayhem and the Pedro Picasso

Previous Chapters
Chapter 1: You Might Have Flaky Hardware
Chapter 2: The Flakiness of Artoo Detoo

My comments italicized for your personal pleasure.
-the Pedro Picasso

If you or someone you love is having difficulty moving through these stages, please get help. And remember, if you don’t get help at CotFH, please, get help somewhere. My favorite place for it is Hardware Hell.

1. Denial:
   • General disbelief that one’s hardware has flaked, particularly in front of onlookers.
   • Warning signs: “It works fine, as long as you jiggle this piece a little.” “Let me check my notes.” “That’s a feature.”
   • Often found in University sysadmins
2. Bargaining:
   • The user begins to view the machine as if it were alive, and treats it accordingly. As such, the user will often plead with the machine on bended knee.
   • Warning signs: Treating the machine as if it were a spoiled child. “If you recover this file for me, I’ll give you that memory upgrade I’ve been promising.”
   • Of course, we never give it the stuff we promise. We usually just kick 'em for our trouble. Like pets.
3. Anger:
   • This is self-explanatory. The user becomes angry, sometimes even violent, towards the machine.
   • Warning signs: Use of various expletives towards the machine, and in extreme cases even physical force. This can be very dangerous, especially if the machine is still plugged in and/or has sharp rotating blades.
   • This is especially dangerous if your hardware has developed a taste for human blood
4. Self-Blame:
   • The user believes that s/he could have done something to prevent the hardware’s flakiness.
   • Warning signs: “If I’d only upgraded my software…” “I should have paid the extra $50 for a ZIP drive that wouldn’t give the Click of Death.”
   • This is the stage Best Buy wants you in the most. They make more money off extended warantees than hardware
5. Despair:
   • The user begins to give up hope that his hardware will ever work properly again. Failure to move beyond this stage is the leading cause of unpremeditated hardware upgrades.
   • Warning signs: “What’s the use? I’ll just have to buy a new machine next year anyway.”
   • In a world where people in movies can defeat evil aliens with Apple Computers™, there is never a need for despair.
6. Acceptance:
   • The user realizes that there is a work-around for the flakish behaviour, and begins to use it.
   • Warning Signs: User will become obsessed with making the flaky hardware work again. See Denial
   • Note how we make this sound healthy. This is our target demographic.

Warning: Like many other half-baked cults, we are not professionals in the field of psychology. Any attempts to use our advice or insight is just further proof that your head was screwed up to begin with.