Previous Chapters Cure I: The LIST Cure II: Is Your Hardware Ninja? by the Pedro Picasso

Ninja have long plagued our lives, but few know they are also plaguing our hardware.
-the Pedro Picasso

The Great Ninja Conspiracy is simply this: Because ninja are masters of disguise, any person or object could actually be a ninja posing as that person or object. Like so many things, the Great Ninja Conspiracy has had another chapter added to it by the onslaught of public hardware. Sure we had lawn mowers in the fifties, but a ninja can easily disguise himself as a working lawn-mower with a combination of pan-lotus contortion, beat-box, and samurai katana swirling. It's a simple matter. One might even wonder on his own whether he's mowing his lawn with a John Deer or a Yusaki Yomomato. But, I ask you, would you ever even jokingly think to yourself that you could play Quake II on a ninja? I assure you my friend, you can. In fact, in some ninja-populous areas, chances are you have.

Now, I know what you're thinking. If ninja disguise skills can render videogame polygons as if they were GeForce 2's, why not utilize these powers for good? Please, put these thoughts out of your mind. Wear not the ring of Doom, Frodo, for it shall possess you. We cannot hope to manipulate the ninja. We can only hope to detect them, expose them, and live happily without them (or die horribly cut into more pieces than even the might Shao Lin could accomplish).

So how does one detect ninja? Why the famous Pierce's Ninja Test, of course. This test was developed by Badass Pierce (of Pierce's Badass Test fame), and is so simple; you can try it at home. If you suspect an object of being a ninja, you attack that object. If you destroy the object, it was not a ninja. If the object kills you, chances are you had a ninja on your hands.

Here is my advice to you, valued reader. If your hardware is flaking, and flaking bad. If parts are blinking that should be beeping. It might not be because of manufacturer error, but because your hardware is in fact a beleaguered ninja trying to do your computation/radio reception/change sorting/or porn filtering in his or her head. For the love of all your other hardware, you must attack and destroy the offending equipment. My friends it's the only way to feel safe.

And remember, guns don't kill people. Ninja's disguised as guns kill people.